F-ck, Marry, Kill but with Dinosaurs


Art of Painting 10: The Nude Model

Fine artist Lily Sparks explores the ins and outs of nude models hired off of Craigslist.

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Commercial Actors, EP 8, PhRefresh

Helen and David audition for a feminine hygiene commercial.

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Extra-Juicy Celebrity Sightings!

All of the Hollywood celebrities were sighted lately!

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My Second Job

eBay painting

People think it is funny how poor I am. But the laughter stops when they ask me what I did in school and what my prospects are and I tell them well, I majored in art.

“Art?” Stern look, as though I had just landed a time machine precisely on the first prototype of a lightbulb. “What kind of art?”

Their anvil and stirrup are poised to pound out an answer of ‘graphic design for internet’ and so there is a jarring pause when I answer:


“Painting?” (Stifled reaction) “Well, shit, can you major in Sand Art too? I was pretty good at that. That and making the pot-holders with the fabric loops on that red frame thing. No, it’s cool, it’s cool. We got that in my family too, my Grandma paints. Of course, she also shits her pants.”

I make paintings. I make them, and I sell them.

You have two choices in making art. You create a market for your images, or you create images for a market. This is what separates an artist from the guy who makes Precious Moments figurines: several million dollars.

Picture this:

You are a middle aged woman. You are wealthy, and not too busy. You have a stack of literature by your bed that involves slow motion renaissance-faire “love making.” And recently, you got into Phantom of the Opera.

Phantom of the Opera Gerard Butler

Did you get into it or did it get into you? You cried the first time you saw it and before you knew it you were crying the tenth time you saw it. You’ve seen that movie more times in your life than you’ve balanced your checkbook and you find yourself typing in POTO websites about the guy who plays the main character,Gerard Butler, because when you look into his eyes you see the kind of passion that can sustain an erection in a snowdrift. You go on eBay and buy anything he touches. You search Phantom of the Opera, Gerard Butler, sift through what surfaces. One day you come across a painting. It is a passing likeness to Gerard. The female character is turned away and she could almost be you, her face is so obscured- and it matches your living room couch. And its under 100 dollars. You click buy and you’ve joined an unwitting conspiracy to keep me fed.

Phantom of the OperaThree Key Points to Making and Selling Phantom Of The Opera Paintings:

  • What color is a living room couch these days in the Mid- to Southwest? And I don’t mean one in an office, I mean one in a house where the wife has free domain of a credit card and a jones for Victorian romance. Did you just say mauve, forest green, or ash blue? Okay, now coax those out of three primary colors, white, and golden ochre, because paint is fucking expensive.

  • Gerard Butler can look awfully passionate. At some point passion is just awful, and at another point it is subtle enough that you can hang it in a room where you are supposed to make conversation with guests. Remember the line between drama and soft porn is like the skin of a soap bubble, beautiful and fragile.

  • We live in a litigious society. The original novel Phantom of the Opera has crossed well over into Public Domain fair use laws, but the musical and the movie may well have Cease and Desist agents trolling eBay all the live-long day for people infringing copyright laws. If you want to reference a scene from the movie (and you do) you need to make the kind of subtle changes that you can point out all like “Nuh uh that image isn’t taken from the movie! The horse is facing left!” And bingo! It’s an original work.

Now that you have a market and a strategy, it’s time for the product.

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Commercial Actors, EP 7, Warming UP

Helen and David warm up before Helen’s audition for a feminine hygiene product.

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Commercial Actors, EP6: Callbacks

Helen and David talk about callbacks even though Helen hasn’t had any.

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Commercial Actors, EP5: Improving

Helen and David do some improving.

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Commercial Actors, Ep4: Auditioning

Helen and David talk about the specifics of commercial auditioning.

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Helen and David: Commercial Actors, EP 3: Acting.

Helen and David discuss commercial acting.

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