Philadelphia, in a bold new move, has decided to tax bloggers living in their fair city.

How do you think this will affect the local scene and economy?

• Computer literate creatives will flee the city like rats from a sinking ship
• Small businesses, which could have blossomed into large ones, killed like delicate flower buds in a harsh winter frost
• Cheese-steak sandwiches remain the lynchpin of Philly’s economy
• Tax is almost impossible to enforce, new generation of increasingly-emboldened tax evader/computer savant rises up from the interwebs
• Lemonade stand tax to quickly follow
• Piggy bank tax to quickly follow
• Tag sale tax to quickly follow
• ‘Take-a-penny leave-a-penny tray’ tax to quickly follow
• Hackers extort small businesses for protection money to create firewalls to protect them from being traced to Philly, creating a ruthless computer mafia that already has the lingo of the real mafia down thanks to Facebook’s popular game, Mafia
• Bloody battle between local government and digital mafioso explodes across town in bloody battles, leaving citizens afraid to leave their houses, use public transport or enjoy a warm cheese-and-steak sandwich outside of their homes
• Cheese-steak sandwich tax follows in last-ditch effort to save collapsing city government
• Bears prowl in the streets like Detroit by 2016

The tribes of North America in 2010 are many and varied. They are here pictured that they may be recognized by the traveler and any encounters made peacefully.

Figure 1: Being the Electric Hudson Valley Tribe. They are proficient in electrics, in the manipulation of circuitry for music and art, on which many of their ceremonies center, mirthless though those ceremonies may be.

Figure 2: Here depicted being one of the Neon Ravers, their tribes numbers are heaviest in coastal areas. They eat the lotus and surrender to extravagant music, share women, trade each other neon beads, and are very amenable and welcoming to foreigners.

Figure 3: A Chieftain of After-Parties, being highly trained in fashion or video-arts. The Chelsea cut and spangled eye patch denote the wealth of the native, who can attend countless nocturnal ceremonies without laboring in the day. Will trade camaraderie for cocaine, demands large tribute of trinkets and swag from worshippers.

Figure 4: The tribal paint of the Juggalo Nation, an impoverished Mid Western tribe that comes together for days of war songs. Despite this seeming aggression they are ultimately benign. They count Faygo as a sacred drink, and do not educate their young.

Figure 5: A portrait of a Masked DJ Priest, who conducts the music machines during ceremonies. The mask allows him to step outside his roles in the tribe and assume the persona of sacred music conduit. He may at his whim give favored devotees mouthfuls of vodka.

Figure 6: Here being a Coachellan or one of many Summer Music Festival Braves. A rich tribe that does a sort of penance by undergoing the ordeals of weather-exposure, dehydration, exhaustion, and living in the wilderness to better break through to music-spirits. In this heightened state, they are highly suggestible and trade their wealth at a high disadvantage to themselves.

Between the three hour line that meant most people got in halfway through, the cancelled acts and the shitty beer on tap, what was a Fuck Yeah Fest last year was more like a Hell No this time around. As in…

Hell no you aren’t wearing a rice paddy hat. Chinatown is the one place on earth where “When In Rome” does not apply. Unless you’re about to barf lightning at Jack Burton, that hat needs to come off.

Hell no, Baryshnikov, take your hands out of your pockets when you’re in second position. And you got a bad case of sassy butt.

It is 186,000 degrees right now. So wherefore the navajo blanket vest? Why the oversized collared shirt and velveteen shoes? Why the haircut straight out of Living Single? Hell no. What are you even doing here? Haven’t you heard of Santa Fe?

Flourescent Lichtenstein tank with Warhol’s Marilyn tights and a biking cap. How long have you been planning for this event? If only the organizers had been on your schedule, maybe people could have gotten in before 5 pm.

I don’t know enough words to describe this hat. The best way to describe it is hell no. Hell no you shouldn’t crochet yourself a bald wig out of nude colored yarn, cinch up your high-waisteds and proceed to play one of two tambourines.

My mistake, looks like these hats are all the rage. Its like a head Ugg boot. The Chitty Chitty Bang Bang child catcher he’s talking to is cool with it. So rice paddy hats, fine. Catching children with a fistful of lollipops and luring them into a giant cage disguised as a circus tent? Hell no.

Oh hell no. Why can I picture your high school year book, buddy? Why are there no signatures except from the art teacher? Why does it say “Keep your chin up?”

You can’t be too rigid about planning your outfits in advance. It was 186,000,000 degress as I’ve mentioned previously, but once Quincy had his suede mirrored vest laid out the night before, there was no looking back. Now stop checking the date and time and go pour some ice on yourself.

So in summation: hell no, Fuck Yeah Festival. Hell no.

Straight teeth serve no medical purpose. You can chew just as well with crooked ones. Braces cost in excess of $10,000. The process takes years, and is extremely painful. But the results are a psychological boost, aesthetically pleasing, and often life-changing.

Here’s what my friends have to say:

Can you believe the responses I’ve gotten? Now, these are responses I got telling people I’m getting a boob job, not braces. But it’s basically the same deal, except boob jobs cost half as much, take an hour, and are sore for like two months. But they do the same thing braces do. And I never got braces so I might as well get pretty titties.

Weak Nights Readership- now is your chance to donate to the first Weak Nights Charity Fund, the ForMe Foundation. I will chart the progress of your donations and with your help, I could be made perfect by the end of the fall, and bikini-ready by Christmas! I’m ready to give it my best efforts! After all:

Incentives?!

YES!  There are incentives and THANK YOU for asking.

INDIVIDUAL CONTRIBUTORS:

$100-499:  signed Xerox of new tits with lipstick kiss mark in stunning scarlet frame, signed “Forever Grateful, LRS” and a batch of homemade “D-Cup cakes” with adorable frosting nipples perched on the tops.

$500-999: you receive copies of doctor’s “before and after” pictures, in elegant puffy satin album, scarlet framed Xerox, batch of D-Cup Cakes, and access to the library of my before and after video shorts starring my tits:

Tiny Tit Titles: Talkin’ Titty; Will the Tit Fit? (I see if my pre op tit can fit into a key hole, a bread box, and etc.)

After Surgery/Titan Tit Titles: Mayor Tittingworth (my tit with pasted on mustache advises a town of titties on its woes); TRAMPouline!

$1000 & up:  All incentives listed above PLUS Five Minutes hands-on titty time. You will be fully clothed, I will be nude from waste up, standing three feet apart. You may handle the boobs with both hands, NO THUMBS, for exactly five minutes.

BUSINESS SPONSORS:

(Yes! Your contribution is tax deductible!)

$500-999:  For this amount, I will emblazon your company name on my tits and then get topless at events and parties of your choosing for 3 months. I will hoot to draw attention and jiggle around tastefully. Three times a week, 3 months. That is an incredible amount of publicity for a one time fee under $1000.

$1000-full cost:  Three months of event exposure AND company specific video library of 6 videos! (Tiny or Titan Tit Titles, your call)

To contribute to forging a better world, support the ForMe Foundation today.  I accept PayPal.

Look at me. Do you see a cloud of mist? Do you see a puff of fog? I have been shape shifting the past few months, trying to pitch myself to possible employers. Looking through my cover letters that I have sent since April, I assembled the composite below. It’s all verbatim, sadly. And it’s all true. But you tell me who this person is because damned if I know:

Dear Sir or Madam, Hubert, Happy Splashes, Been-seen.com, anonymous craigslist address & etc.,

I saw your ad and wanted to contact you about the position. I have worked as a receptionist for an architectural firm with A-list clients including Mel Gibson and Simon Fuller. I have almost a decade of experience at camp, having spent my summers age 14-22 as a counselor, Creative Arts Counselor, and Arts Specialist. I have a highly developed eye for color and design and love to use these skills towards event planning. I am addicted to detail. The problem I have had with previous child-art experiences is that children are encouraged to stay busy, not improve. I can model to scale, work with a team of other designers, and have relationships with fabricators around the LA area. I understand nothing is more important than creating a seamlessly professional atmosphere for the clientèle, especially when they want to relax and enjoy a spa experience.

Now that the winter is over, this struck me as a chance to work around the creatures I love- dogs and their owners- and bring my professional administrative skills to a company I could really root for. Moreover, as a genuine music lover and an active participant in the LA music scene, I would have a real appreciation of working in a music publishing house environment. My musical taste has range as well as depth. More importantly, I can draw free hand easily and quickly for an audience of kids and adults. I come from a family of travelers and I love hearing travel stories and sharing my own. I am passionate about good design. I am an administrative rock star. I am an enthusiastic and dedicated support for your professional and domestic life.

Transportation is not an issue for me, I have a car and am used to a good commute.

I look forward to speaking with you further about this opportunity,
I look forward to hearing more about this opportunity,
I hope to speak to you further about this opportunity,
I hope to speak in the future and learn more about this opportunity,
I look forward to speaking with you more about this opportunity,
I would love to speak to you further about this opportunity,

Sincerely,

Lily Sparks

Eleven babies, eleven reasons why the state gotta show up and ruin my Tuesday.  Some of these ain’t even that bad:

• Used baby to squeegee a windshield
• Put baby in dryer to fight static cling
• Got 6-inch Gangsta Dizzy Devil tattoo on baby to test it out before I got it
• Baby clackin’ around when it crawls on the tile because of 3 ” nail tips on hands and feet
• Tried to trade baby for Magic Mountain season pass
• Tied “Chinese Go Home” sign to baby, set it on City Hall steps
• Made baby drink a liter of diet soda & used stream of piss like super soaker on social worker
• Dressed baby in hot tortillas
• Accused baby of being the real killer in court
• Used baby to train killer instinct in my cousin’s pit bull
• This: