Name’s taken.

As you may know, during the weekend of July 16-17, a 10-mile stretch of the Los Angeles 405 freeway will be shut down for construction, displacing up to 200,ooo motorists and causing general havoc in the surrounding area. Media outlets are referring to the event as “Carmageddon,” which I find highly offensive. Everyone I love perished in a demolition derby at the La Cumbre County Fair by the very same name. This is a cease and desist notice to all news sources that wish to retain me as a reader, as well as everyone within my scope of influence, which is a lot if you count my church’s web community. Stop calling it “Carmageddon,” or suffer the consequences. Continue reading →

Ditch stress once and for all

Whether it’s that pesky expense report due Friday, or your pesky in-laws fighting for custody of your blind daughter, who will never know how beautiful she really is, one thing’s certain: there is no greater serial killer of the soul than stress. Continue reading →

Honoring the many other talents of Hollywood’s finest performers

The name “Pierce Brosnan” conjures up many images in cinema: the debonair James Bond of the late 90s; Dr. Lawrence Angelo in riveting techno-thriller The Lawnmower Man; and recently, the mighty dual role as Mr. Brunner and Chiron in the runaway Christian satire, Percy Jackson & the Olympians: The Lightning Thief. But did you know the natural born Irishman is as skilled with the brush as he is with his face? Click past the jump, to experience Mr. Brosnan’s finest canvas-based achievements.   Continue reading →

A visual guide to recognizing modern street drugs

People have always found a way to get high. As far back as the Middle Ages, serfs, peasants, and even kings could be found doing uppers, downers, and tweeners when the pressures of medieval life got to be too much. Even the Egyptians of Egypt were documented to have conceived and constructed the mighty pyramids while under the influence.

Unfortunately today isn’t much different. Due to the government’s piss poor war on drugs, nearly 97% of children are currently on some form of drugs, while the remaining 3% say they are about to try them.  Sadly, these aren’t the inspiring, mind-altering substances that fueled the Civil Rights Movement and Woman’s Lib. Today’s substances are 237 times more powerful than anything we’ve seen in the past.

If you have a family member, friend, or even neighbor who you fear may be on one of these VERY dangerous narcotics, now is the time to sit together and show them you care. Pay attention: since it can be hard to identify modern drugs, the following is a pictorial list of the most common drugs on the street today. Continue reading →

With summer just around the corner, it’s never too soon to get into shape. Whether you want to wear a bikini or just your mom’s old cut off muscle shirt, here are some helpful– healthful, tips for looking your body best: Continue reading →

…Opening up Presents On Christmas* Morning.

• “This is a black kid toy.  This toy is for black kids.”

• “This plastic pretense will surely be our family’s undoing…”

• “Been there, done that.”

• “What does this tag on the toy read?  ’This toy used to belong to a dead child.’”

• “This toy inspires me to execute a toddler curbing.”

• “Oh fuck….OH. FUCK. ME.”

• “Diapers?  Is this your way of telling me you’re pregnant again?”

• “Dogshit in a box?  Are you guys high?  Why is dad laughing so hard? Mommy?!”
“Oh shit I think I’m having a heart attack!”
“Harold, no!”
“Mommy, why?”
“Merry fucking Christmas kid!” (dead)

• “Adoption papers with my name on them?  Does this mean I’m adopted?  How is this a gift?  My whole past is a lie.”

• “The ‘gift of Internet’ is really more of a home utility, than it is a specific gift to me.”

• “Mom? Dad? Hey there’s a note on the plate of cookies I left for Santa…”
‘Dear Tiffany, your father and I are going on a little vacation for a while.  See You Around!’

*The Reader will notice I make mention of only one winter holiday: The true One.  I regard the other “religions” as mere fantasies, about as real as a Disney cartoon.  Yep, surely everyone knows the story about “Krismus,” or “Christmas” The God of Chainsaws and Lasers. From the Bok (sic) of Ryan:

And He did smite the chainsaw in half with the laser, and all was cool.

Please enjoy this video message from jolly old St. Nick.

Every family has something they pass around through generations to connect their lineage. In mine, it is a 78% accurate replica of a pair of 15th century boots. Featherboots, to be precise. Several kinds of wildlife are co-utilized to create a magical experience for the foot and leg. A step-uncle named Glen–recently estranged to the family, designed them in 1979 for a Renaissance Pleasure Faire that the Rolling Stones were also playing at, and they have been passed down for generations ever since.  They have never been washed so any one who wears them is 80% liable to contract the same strain of toe nail fungus that Glen first developed in the summer of 1979. The same year that President Jimmy DeShawn Carter got attacked by a swamp rabbit: